Monday, August 20, 2012

Fantasy Football

Last weekend was my fantasy football draft for my friends league.  We've done a live draft for the past 6 years or so.  It's really the only time I get to see everyone en masse now that adulthood has firmly entrenched its meathooks and killed us all on the inside.  The hangover is epic.

About 4 years back, we switched over to an auction draft format.  Basically, we all start off with the same dollar amount.  We set a nomination order.  Whomever is up nominates a player, and if interested you join the auction and bid.

This option of drafting is far superior to the traditional "snake" draft.  Everyone has an equal shot at the higher profile players.  Further, the comic potential is endless: you can bid people up on players you don't even want, watching your idiot friends drink and lose complete control of their budget, etc.

It begs the question: what if Napoleon were running a fantasy football league?  There's hashtag potential here (#obamafantasyfootballcommish?), but listed below are several rules and outcomes I can foresee:
  1. Mandatory ownership of at least one Detroit Lion on every franchise.  The Commissioner (FOR LIFE) will choose which one you posses, and it won't be Stafford or Megatron.  Think Kevin Smith.
  2. League fees: assessed on "fairness".  Waivers for league fees will be chosen based on a very vague definition to be provided by the Commissioner at a later date. All fees end up being payed by two franchises.
  3. Draft will not take place in a "right to work" state.
  4. Moneys remaining in every franchise will be redistributed based on Commissioner designated need on a round by round basis.  So basically, when the Commissioner, in an uncontested bid, blows half of his draft money on Andy Dalton (needs that swing state vote), the playing field can be leveled again.
  5. Everyone can vote on league rules on the league website. The league website will have no logon verification procedures, because that will disenfranchise franchises.
  6. Successful franchises will be demonized into providing 10 years of draft returns.
  7. League champion will receive no money for winning, because the Commissioner blew the entry fees on a solar powered kegerator which remains unassembled.  Commissioner berates league champion.  Commissioner instills a "League Champion Monetary Penalty".

Not pictured: You.

Please leave any other rules/outcomes in the comments.

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